Marriage is a tough gig. My husband may be dying and there are still days that I’d like to kill him. What’s up with that?
We were watching a silly wedding movie on TV with our sixteen- year-old recently. One character has a revelation about his relationship and exclaims “I would rather spend my life fighting with her than making love to any other woman!” I turned to my daughter and said “I think that was actually written into our wedding vows.” She just rolled her eyes and laughed. When you’re a homeschooled daughter of parents who work at home, you get a pretty realistic front row seat to marriage.
Since we’re talking deeper with Jesus, there are few things that require a deeper commitment than marriage. There’s a lot of water that passes under the bridge between “I do” and “’Til death do you part” and nothing convinces me more of the power of Christ than the survival of our marriage for twenty-one years.
God, in His wisdom, knew it would be better for me to marry than to remain single. I think He knew my tendency toward arrogance and left alone, I might have convinced myself I had conquered my sinful nature. In close daily combat – I mean, contact – with another Jesus-loving human, however, there is no hiding my capacity for sin. “I want my way.” “I think I’m right most of the time.” “I know best.” “That’s just stupid.” “He’ll never change.” “I give up.” Are these the thoughts of a surrendered Christian, a humble servant transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit who seeks to put God and others before herself? No, but they’re sometimes my first thoughts before I get out of bed! Boy, do I need Jesus!
My marriage has convinced me of the active working power of Jesus because we’ve faced really tough times and survived. When we were first married, I had a chronic illness which God eventually healed. Now, my husband is grappling with a serious illness but he continues to work two jobs and help around the house. We’ve seen “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer and in sickness and in health” – sometimes all in one year. We have weathered a lot and there were times that our sinful natures tore at the fabric of unity that is God’s idea of marriage but, here we are, still loving each other and still best friends despite our disputes and differences.
Our marriage is a living, breathing testimony to the power of prayer, the blessing of keeping commitments in the face of testing, God’s ability to refuel empty emotional tanks over and over again and the plain, old persevering-never-say-die stubbornness.
I’ve seen interviews with contestants on Dancing with the Stars and now I think that ballroom dancing is a great analogy for marriage. When the music plays, we see a couple made beautiful by the art and grace of moving in perfect sync to the song and to each other. Behind the scenes of that dance, however, are hours of arduous work, sweat, practice, injury, tears, creativity, argument, compromise, choreography and determination. This is the truth behind any art and behind most lasting marriages.
Facing illness and the possibility of death helps put things in perspective but it doesn’t make us perfect. We still annoy one another, disagree, dispute, challenge and resist change. But some of that is because we are close. We’re honest. We care about each other. We haven’t given up. We’re still growing, still moving toward our best selves, still iron sharpening iron.
I want to grow old with my husband. I want to see his irritating, procrastinating, hard-working, handsome face looking back at me when we’re in our nineties. Jesus has been our hope this far and He’ll be our hope if we survive to our nineties, too.
I’m not sure what God has planned going forward but I’m glad that this cyclone of a marriage has been part of His plan for our lives. To be sure, it’s more tango than waltz, more swing dance than pas de deux but I’ve no desire to dance with any other partner and I never want the music to end.
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Lori, this was very encouraging. I know sometimes when we are having a hard time and I think he would be better off with someone else, Nathan will say “besides the fact that I love you, I just wouldn’t want to go through getting to know a whole other person’s dysfunctions, insecurities, I already did that with you.” It would be too much work to start all over. I love his practicality. Merry
Sounds like a real marriage to me, Merry! It’s worth sticking it out – especially to see how amazing God is to provide more love when we run out!
This is an excellent, encouraging post! Well stated, and what a great analogy!
Thank you, Molly. I always thank God that we have the freedom, in Him, to be exactly who He intended us to be and He is able to use that in other’s lives. Thanks for taking the time to read and to comment!
Lori,
What a beautiful tribute to the power of God and His saving grace, and what a beautiful tribute to the love your share with your husband and for your family. Thank you for waltzing across this post with an honest look at marriage and relationships. Thank you for your transparency. So often we see only the outside of people, and we compare ourselves to what we perceive to be a “perfect this” or a “perfect that.” Your analogy with ballroom dancing is well made and very true, as any married couple will attest.
God bless you!
Dancing down here in Louisiana,
Cheri and Wayne Hardaway
Made me stop and think and then realize how lucky I am to be married to such a wonderful, aggravating,low key ,non judgemental man who loves a very imperfect “me”. Every once in a while, we need to be reminded that we are married to a wonderful person, and today you did that for me. Thank you, Lori,for the wake up call.
Thank you, Cheri and Anonymous, for stopping by and taking the time to comment! Cheri, your commment is poetic in itself and Anonymous, you are very funny. I’m glad God used this post to encourage you both! God bless!
Lori – this blog is great and wonderfully stated and as a divorced person, I still firmly believe that God can hold all things together – even a difficult marriage – if both parties are willing to submit and listen to Him. I pray that some day He will bless me with a marriage where both parties seek Him first in order to grow to our ninties through all the good and bad. God Bless to you both. Eileen
Eileen, thanks so much for your transparency! I have loved your testimony about how God’s grace was sufficient during your divorce and how He was by your side through the darkest times. I know God will continue to provide all you need. Thank you for having the courage to be open in your comment! You are a beautiful sister.
She loves him, she loves him not, she loves him, she loves him not, she loves him! Sicky sweet and sappy, cold hard and true. Reading that was like getting candy coated while being tap danced on with golf shoes. Good, open, honest, true, and excellent foundation. I shall bite my tongue now. Thank You!
Love the ballroom dancing analogy – it’s soooo true that even though we appear to glide gracefully across the dance-floor of life, it’s only the “…hours of arduous work, sweat, practice, injury, tears, creativity, argument, compromise…” that make the dance so beautiful!
Joe, Now you know how my husband feels! See why we need Jesus?
Lori, Nice name and you spell it right! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!
Lori..how perfect in its honesty. I saw your blog on Writter Interrupted…I have read a lot of stuff on there but yours really got me. Especially “he’s dying and sometimes I want to kill him”–very Romans 7 and 8. My husband had a heart attack 3 years ago and has diabetes…he is still a work alcholic and I am always asking myself where is the sympathy for the love of my life. Yet, if he’s gone for more than 5 minutes, I miss him like crazy. Of the spirit, the flesh, the spirit, the flesh! May God grant your beloved amazing healing.
Joan, often it’s challenging for people outside of a marriage to understand why we develop the patterns we do to survive it and try to thrive in it. Walking with the Lord and living in the Spirit is the only way to make anything work! I’m glad you found me. God bless you as well.
Wow! Are you sure we aren’t sisters by another mother? You write my very thoughts and much of this has come out my mouth! Check out our thoughts on this thing called marriage. http://www.thedanceofmarriage.com