Hiding from People I Love (Post 2 in the Third Chapter Spiritual Disciplines Series)

The best people annoy me.

It’s admittedly my failing, not theirs.

Thanks to the Holy Spirit, I’m mostly able to avoid eye rolling, sighing, glaring, and raising my eyebrows in group settings, but that’s testimony to His work, not mine.

Hey, I enjoy my own company. I agree with myself all the time and frequently want to do exactly what I enjoy.

Arguments with myself are rare. I’ve never needed articles on how to be my own best friend. Add to that my natural introversion and it would be easy to avoid community all together.

The older I get, the weirder the world gets. The strangeness of each new generation seems to climb exponentially with each decade I live.

And then, there’s church. Gen X’ers, Gen Y’ers, and Gen Z’ers, oh my!

Countless conversations there feel like repeat arguments in a long marriage.

I often remain silent to avoid saying, “Didn’t we settle that question back in the 1980’s?” or “I cannot revisit this subject again. Isn’t there a book you can read?”

I used to criticize the older generation for backing off from church activity, “retiring” from serving, or resisting change. Now, I’m sure they’re looking on from heaven chuckling and heckling, “Not as easy as it looks, is it?”

No.

Still, God calls us, from cradle to grave, to show up. Hence, the spiritual discipline of Intentional Community.

As we age, our appetite for community can wane. Maybe we feel our family is enough.

We have our gardens, watercolors, travels, and books. Or, we’re still working and have less energy at days’ end. We’re drained after caring for parents, spouses, or siblings.

Life’s losses take a toll. News and social media increase our anxiety baseline.

Life’s big questions no longer feel hypothetical, but are everyday realities.

It can be easier to avoid community and justify it by convincing ourselves we’re doing them a favor.

Why burden them with our cantankerous inner topography? Why weigh down the next generation with our late-life questions? Let’s not scare the thirty-somethings.

Richard Foster’s book Celebration of Discipline, released in 1978, the year I started college. It had a profound impact on my spiritual life. Those disciplines continue to serve me but in my sixties, solitude comes easily.

The discipline I need to add now is Intentional Community. The discipline of showing up.

It’s become too easy to spend hours alone.

At church, it’s more tempting than ever to slip out as the service ends and avoid the chit-chat of coffee hour. I’ve never been one for small talk, less so now, and there’s an unread novel calling my name.

But, the Holy Spirit prods me to linger, reminding me that solitude isn’t a spiritual discipline if I’m using it to hide, escape, or avoid interaction that may remind me I’m still a work in progress.

The Bible tells me I need others and they need me. To not to give up meeting together. That two are better than one. That He blesses the two or three gathered with His presence.

Romans 12:16 says, “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.” You know what helps me see how much I still have to learn? Being around other people.

Getting annoyed is a growth accelerant.

To be united with Christ is to be part of the family of God—an active part of a living body.

In our flesh, we may have less energy, less appetite, less stamina for community, but the Holy Spirit can provide what we need to get over ourselves.

To help us practice Intentional Community, we must simply remember to SLIP and FALL.

Show up: Sure, slow down, but still show up. Get to church. Attend a mid-week gathering. Serve in one ministry. You don’t have to maintain your old pace but choose to show up regularly. It really is half the battle.

Linger: Hang out. Tarry. Sit awhile. The most powerful connections happen in the unguarded, unscripted moments when the table’s being cleared. Don’t rush off. Remember, to love is to linger.

Invest: Even if you’re identifiers and appearance change, you don’t need to accept invisibility. Be intentional about having at least one conversation and then invest in making it happen. Ask God to identify that divine appointment.

Present: While others look at watches or cell phone notifications, be the person who is present. You’ll be amazed what ministry can occur simply through the precious gift of your presence.

 

Focus: At gatherings, noise can be a factor and large group discussions can overwhelm, so focus on a smaller group, maybe one family, or look on the fringes for someone holding up the wall. Don’t wait to be noticed. Be the noticer.

Authentic: Drop the mask. Haven’t we earned the right to be ourselves? Bring your authentic self into conversations with young and old alike. While you still feel like your 25-year-old self, others may see you as “the old guard,” “the authority,” or the “serious senior.” Be a surprise by being you. Let them see what they’d be missing without you there.

 

Listen: Ask compassionate questions (prepare some before you even leave the house). Simple questions can open great conversations. “Tell me about the first car you remember.” “What is it like being in high school these days?” “If your life was a movie/song/book, what would be the title?” Listen. Then say, “Tell me more,” or “Wow, I’d like to hear more about that.”

Look: Look for opportunities to: Learn, laugh, love, and leave others better than you found them. Proverbs says that as we refresh others, we are refreshed. Learn a joke. Ask others to share a funny story. Ask yourself what you learned about others today, about yourself, about community. Love with words of validation, with acts of kindness, and with exchanges of prayer and God’s Word. See others and help them see God.

Intentional Community—a spiritual discipline to add to life as we age. I read every comment so share your experience with wanting to drop out but continuing to show up!

If you missed my first post in this series on Third Chapter Spiritual Disciplines, you’ll find it here.

Hiding from the People I Love Do you find yourself starting to withdraw from community as you age? Stop it! https://t.co/abMkf4DFUb #Christianliving #aging

— Lori Roeleveld (@lorisroeleveld) March 20, 2023