Once I Tried to Hide from God

Once, I tried to hide from God.

Okay, once that I’m going to tell you about.

It was during a time when I was making some very sinful choices. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I wasn’t ready to stop. But, I was accustomed to talking every aspect of my life over with God so, I decided to hide for an afternoon.

Don’t ask me why.

I’m a sinner, that’s why.

I remember making a clear choice to avoid God for the day because I wasn’t interested in feeling convicted. I mean, it was a perfectly beautiful Saturday.

I reasoned that if I felt guilty, that would lead to me feeling convicted, and then I would be forced to either change or honestly face the depth of my affection for my current sin. That might mess with my day.

Not up for it.

So, my great escape plan involved a)not talking with any of my friends who might ask what was up in my life – thus opening a door for God to speak to me, b) not praying (for obvious reasons – why open a direct line?,) and c) definitely not reading the Bible.

After a morning of running errands and avoiding eye contact with the Almighty, I settled in to read a novel – NOT the Bible.

What occurred over the next hour made such an impression on me that, twenty-five years later, it still goes down as the MOST uncomfortable two hours of my life.

As I read the novel, I felt God staring at me from one corner of the room. Not mean eyes, like my mom, but just staring. Not puppy eyes, like I was disappointing Him or leaving Him lonely, just staring, like God.

Chapter after chapter I read but my discomfort and guilt grew. I shifted positions so I was facing the wall of my room. Turned my back on those God eyes.

Still. Discomfort began to have a name and that name was guilt. Guilt swelled, pressing in on me, breathing heavy like a dog that wants to go for a walk RIGHT NOW!

Guilt expanded, building, building, building until it happened, an explosion – conviction. Conviction of sin. Ka- pow!

All right! All right! All right, already! Yes! Yes! Fine! You WIN! Slam, my novel flew into the bedroom wall and I flopped down on my bed and cried, confessing my guilt and asking for help to change.

God spoke very clearly to my mind that day and this is what He said, “Don’t EVER think you can decide when and how I’m going to convict you of sin. You can’t hide because I will always find you.”

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalm 139: 7-10

I’ve thought about that enounter this week as I’ve tried to adjust to a new work schedule that messes with my devotional/prayer schedule. I miss my usual time with God. I don’t want a new plan. My old one worked for a really long time.

Now, when we would normally be chatting, I’m showering or driving or doing meal prep for dinner. Some strange part of me worries that He still shows up and wonders why I’m not there – like a child wondering if Santa will find them in their new house.

God reminds me, though, that He will always find me. I can’t even hide from Him when I want to hide, never mind when I want to be found.

Funny how that thought can be frustrating in one moment and comforting in the next. He sees me. I cannot hide from Him. He will find me wherever I go.

He sees you, too.